On Complaining and Criticizing

Philippians 2:14-16 Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

I Thessalonians. 5: 8-22 But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation. For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle,[c] encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

It is so easy to fall into a complaining and critical spirit. I know this first hand. What was most shocking (and instructive) was when I suddenly heard myself as others must have been hearing me. The weather doesn't suit, the neighbor's cat is stalking birds at my feeder, the elders didn't run that meeting properly, Daylight Savings Time is a stupid idea, beef prices have gone up, the laundry pile is threatening to take over my life. Gripe, gripe, gripe.

Then there's the critical characters out there. You see them coming and cringe as you await the details on what it is you're doing wrong now. I know I should always be ready to graciously accept helpful criticism, but sister, please, is there something you could encourage me about? Anything? Could you maybe help with this task rather than just criticize the way I do it?

Sometimes our complaining and criticizing natures come through in our writing, too. I visit some blogs and read one critical, harsh post after another. Some names appear in my email inbox or a notice of a trackback appears, and again, I cringe in expectation of the blow.

Complaining and criticizing is natural to our fallen natures, and by it we hurt others and hurt ourselves. We discourage others and ourselves as we dwell on the negative, the imperfect, and resist God's providence in our lives.

So when we find ourselves falling into this sort of spirit, what can we do? Here are some practical ideas I have gleaned from the Word and learned from experience. Feel free to add your advice in the comments section.

Pray and repent. We can do nothing to help ourselves overcome sin without the Spirit of God. The first step is always prayer and repentance; agreeing with God that we have sinned and praying for His strength in turning away from that sin.

Be thankful. Paul tells us in I Thessalonians 5:18 to "give thanks in all circumstances." I have written before on having a thankful heart, so I won't repeat myself now. But thanksgiving is a cure for grumbling. Remembering our blessings makes our complaints seem so petty and small.

Fear God. As the Proverb tells us, fearing God is the beginning of wisdom. Let's face it, there are many terrible things that God could bring into our lives. Even if we have major sufferings, it could be worse. How dare we, then, complain about what we have?

Remember who you are (and aren't). The foundation of complaints are a sense that things ought to be better or that we deserve better. Remembering that it is God who has ordained these circumstances and remembering that what we deserve is eternal damnation, ought to shut our complaining mouths. Are we wiser than God?

Regard even minor complaints as an affront to God. Let's say you crafted a gift for someone you love. You labored over it for many hours and days. You thought of your loved one as you worked. Then one day you presented your gift and your loved one said, "How nice. I sure wish it was a different color. I would have made it bigger. But thank you anyway." Is it not like that when God waters the earth with rain and we complain about a lack of sunshine, or when He makes for us a sunny day and we complain about the heat? Every complaint is a statement that what God ordains for us is not good enough, and that He ought to do better.

Exalt the good rather than just disparage the bad. Whenever we are faced with a situation which needs improvement, we have two choices in approaching our brothers and sisters about it. We could point out the problems and explain why they are so bad, or we could point to a positive example of what doing it better looks like. A redeemed heart longs for the good. Painting a picture of what the good looks like, will encourage a redeemed heart to strive for it. Sometimes describing the problem and explaining how it hinders the good is necessary. (That's how I started this post.) But explaining the problem alone can be very discouraging. We also need to have a vision and appreciation for the opposite good. So when we admonish idleness, let us also exalt industry. When we discourage fornication, let us exalt the blessings of purity.

Show the way. How discouraging it is to hear all about what we are doing wrong without hearing any hope for correcting the problem! The woman with undisciplined children doesn't need to hear your assessment of the situation. She knows. Every waking hour she suffers with the fruit of it. What she needs is help and instruction in dealing with the problem. Can you point her to a good source of information? Can you tell her what works for you or for others?

Think about how to encourage. Our goal in rebuking or correcting one another is to build one another up toward godliness. Before approaching someone, think and pray about what is truly helpful. Examine your heart and repent of any sense of superiority or desire to cut down. Very often, especially for us ladies, our emotions are all stirred up when there is a problem which we need to solve. If we are not able to approach the situation without the emotional baggage, it is probably best to leave the rebuke to someone else if possible. If we think in terms of what is best for the other person and what is most likely to bring about a godly response, rather than think in terms of how our sense of justice can be best gratified, we may find our approach is very different.

Wait for the right moment. Let's think again about the mom with undisciplined children. You could make an appointment, sit down with her and start describing her parenting problem. (How would you like to be on the receiving end of that?) Or, you could wait until she sighs in frustration and choose that moment to ask, one friend to another, if you can help in any way. This sends a whole different message. The first approach says, "I have judged you and determined that you need to work on this problem." The second approach says, "You are my friend, I care about you and when you share your frustrations with me, I want to help."

Be patient with one another. In the above passage, Paul encourages the congregation at Thessolonica to be patient with the idle, whom they are to admonish, the fainthearted, whom they are to encourage, and the weak, whom they are to help. I think the secret to patience with others is humility. When we remember our own frailty, and how God bears with us, it is easier to bear with others. He bears with us as we fail again and again. So we ought to bear with others when they fail, ready to help them get up and continue on in grace.

Encourage and help. Whenever we become personally involved in the labors of others, whether through prayer support, encouraging words, or by lending a hand, we are better able to see that we are all co-laborers in God's kingdom. We are not just saved individuals, walking individual walks. We are a covenant community with a unified purpose: the glory of God. We are one body, one bride, and whatever beautifies one member of that body, beautifies the whole.

What a glorious picture that is! God's people glorifying Him and enjoying Him, not with grumbling and criticism, but with thanksgiving, encouragement and joy.

Comments

[Martin LaBar]

Good work!

[Carl Holmes]

I agree with giving thanks. I read a psalm a day usually, and especially the psalms 100 to 110 or so ALL start with "praise be to the Lord" or "I will give thanks to the Lord". I believe thanking God at the beginning of each prayer is a great model for starting and ending our day.

I would just add that when we are critical in our flesh then fasting is a great way to "tame the flesh" and bring it into submission.

[violet]

It's so nice to see you back, Dory! Your post is full of great practical suggestions. This is one I hadn't thought of: "Wait for the right moment." But, yes, timing is always so important.

[Gin]

Ouch and thanks. This makes me want to rush to my blog control panel and weed out things that shouldn't be there. The temptation of blogging is to be critical, to esteem ourselves and our opinions too much--and it is a spillover effect from our "real lives." Thanks again, Dory.