I think if there was one thing that friends most often ask me for advice about, it would be something I often have to ask for advice on myself, that is, when and how do you confront someone with a problem, and when do you just let it go. Here are some things to think through to help find an answer.
What is the goal here? This one is easy to rationalize away, but it should be the subject of some brutal self-examination. Are we looking for a chance to get our pound of flesh by making this person feel the full weight of the damage that was done or the hurt they caused? Are we trying to nurse our pride that was wounded by how someone treated us? Are we trying to control the behavior of others? Are we trying to control the behavior of others? (That's not a typo. We need to ask ourselves that last one at least twice.)
Biblical conflict resolution is always restorative. It restores people whose sin is keeping them out of fellowship with others. It builds people up in their faith and walk. It repairs broken friendships and families. In short, it sets us all back on our feet, laboring together, once again, for the glory of Christ.
With that in mind, it may be helpful to confront someone with a sin problem or an offense that might repeat itself and cause damage to relationships or hinder one's work. It would be harmful, however, to confront someone in such a way that they feel like a worthless failure.
What are this person's needs? Once we center our thoughts on the needs of the person we are confronting, rather than our own needs, decisions about whether or not to confront, and if so, how, become easier. Where is this person in life? Is this concern important enough to make an issue of it, or are there more important things on which this person ought to be focusing his or her attention?
I once knew a woman who was not a native speaker of English, and her education was such that, even in her native language, her literacy skills were not strong. She and her American husband had several children, all of whom were attending government schools. This family began to visit a church. It was a good church. It was one that could have been very helpful to this family on many levels, both spiritually and materially. After visiting for a few weeks, however, a couple in the church confronted these parents about their children attending public schools. As they report it, in harsh and judgmental terms they were told that in order to obey God, they must either home school their children or send them to a Christian school. Here was a family without the financial resources to pay for schooling and with no confidence in their ability to provide a home education. The result? Broken and ashamed by their failure as parents, they left that church, never to return. No restoration took place, only alienation.
This is an example of a situation in which a confrontation on one issue brought that issue to the forefront and ignored more pressing matters. This woman was a new Christian. She had fundamental issues of the faith to work through. It was a foundation-laying time in her Christian walk. Instead of, as I like to say, wallowing in grace at this crucial time in her life, she was made to feel judged and condemned.
It is very important, then, to consider where a person is and what may or may not be helpful. A man who has just lost his father, has a wife facing a major health issue, and has a son struggling in school, probably wouldn't benefit much from a confrontation on how impatient he was with you last night. It may be a better use of your time to fix him dinner, send his wife a thoughtful card, or help to tutor his son. This is a good example of a time when we should let love cover an offense and help to build a person up so he will be strong enough not to repeat it.
Yet there are times when a person's sin problem is causing harm to himself or to others or causing a rift in a relationship that can't simply be set aside or covered. If that is the case we have an obligation to confront our brother or sister. Again, we need to consider our approach in light of what the person needs and what would be most helpful. The Proverbs tell us that a soft word turns away wrath, and so our approach should be as gentle as the situation will allow. Gentle, however, does not necessarily mean not straightforward or blunt. It means our intention is to help our brother or sister understand the truth and yet, if possible, not to wound the spirit or cause them to be defensive. We need to be ready to help him or her see the way out--the right path to take--as they repent of their sin. In short, we need to offer grace with the rebuke.
We must also approach the situation with the realization that we may have completely misunderstood the circumstances that are troubling us. Rather than pronounce judgments, we must ask questions and carefully consider any explanations that are offered.
Above all, when we go to speak to a brother or sister, we need to be prepared to forgive. We need to be prepared to forgive right away, as soon as forgiveness is asked for, and not only after we have had an opportunity to "have our say," and make our case. We must be prepared to admit that our own actions may have contributed to the problem and be ready to repent of them.
In most cases a careful and grace-filled approach will be an effective means of confronting a brother or sister in Christ and helpful in bringing about reconciliation. However, sadly, we will sometimes have difficulties with people who are not willing to reconcile. The abuser or manipulator will react to a rebuke with defensiveness, lies, or a counter-attack rather than admit his or her weakness or wrong-doing.
Proverbs 9:7 says, "He who corrects a scoffer gets shame for himself, and he who rebukes a wicked man only harms himself." There are many similar Proverbs that warn that fools and scoffers cannot benefit by rebuke. It is wise to be alert to signs that someone we are confronting is proving himself a fool in this regard, and be ready to back off and consider what other measures should be taken, if any.
I once wrote a person what I thought, and still think, was a very gentle letter suggesting that this person examine himself about some public actions that I suggested should be repented of. The result was an hours-long confrontation in which there were, at first, attempts to manipulate me into listening to gossip, taking up an offense against others and acting on it, (Apparently these others had also questioned his behavior.), and when that failed, accusations against me, not for any actions I had taken, but for what my thoughts and intentions were assumed to be, and then ending in a crescendo of what I can only call verbal abuse. Unfortunately, this man was proving himself a fool in regards to his ability to thoughtfully hear and consider rebuke, not only from me, but also from others, and, according to the above-quoted Proverb, were I to pursue the matter with him further, I could hope for nothing more than bringing harm upon myself.
This is a judgment that sometimes must be made, but it cannot be made lightly and ought not be used as an excuse for avoiding a confrontation that, for the sake of your brother or sister, ought to take place. However, just as the favorite verse of the licentious man is, "Judge not, lest you be judged," the favorite verse of the abusive man is, "If he sins against you, go to your brother alone." (paraphrasing Matthew 18:15) As spoken by our Lord, these words were a righteous warning against gossip and tale bearing. In the mouth of an abuser or manipulator, these words serve only to silence victims and silence opposition. If you restate the verse as, "Go to your abuser alone," you can see how cruelly these words can be twisted to serve wicked ends. There are times when it is appropriate to bring a matter to the authorities a person sits under, and there are times when attempts at reconciliation can be righteously abandoned until a time when the Holy Spirit has changed hearts.
In summary then, when we consider whether or not to confront a brother or sister about an offense or a sin, we need to consider first their needs and situation, rather than our own. We need to approach the confrontation with a spirit of humility and a willingness to forgive and to admit our own wrong-doing or misunderstanding. We need to approach the situation with thoughts to what will be most helpful to our brother and sister, and most likely to lead to restoration and edification. Yet, we must be ready to admit that it is not our work to change hearts. That is the work of the Holy Spirit. And when we see that the Spirit is not moving at a particular place and time, we ought not vainly believe we can do what God has not chosen to do.
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