Note: This is the second post in a series. All posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Anyone who has been in a relationship with a controlling personality or a controlling organization can testify about how difficult--even traumatic--breaking away from such a relationship can be. We can all save ourselves a lot of grief if we can avoid such relationships in the first place. It is the purpose of this post to help identify the warning signs of an unhealthy or manipulative church dynamic so that when we are evaluating churches for possible membership or find ourselves newcomers in a church, we can avoid entanglements with controlling people while leaving is still relatively easy.
I want to make a couple points here before I begin. Please forgive me if I am repeating myself, but I feel they are important. I am not a mental health professional or a certified counselor. I am a layman sharing information that I hope will be beneficial to people facing encounters with manipulative people in the Church. As such, I am not giving any advice on diagnosis or treatment of these people.
Second, the manipulative techniques and behaviors I describe are often present in healthy, well-developed people to some extent. Sometimes they are sin, and at others times, in their proper place, they are a perfectly legitimate form of exercising healthy leadership for unselfish purposes. As Christians we need to consider our own behaviors with honest self-evaluation based on Biblical principles. When these behaviors, though, define they way a person relates to others and are used as a means of getting what that person wants for selfish reasons (adoration, power, money, sex, praise, fame, or even the thrill of having people angry and upset at them), they become the problem I am trying to address in these posts--a problem that can cause great emotional and spiritual damage to its victims.
What I have done here is pull together information on what the characteristics of a manipulative Church dynamic looks like and then use that information, personal experience, and the testimony of past victims of spiritually abusive churches to come up with things that might alert us to possible problems. The two books I have listed in my sidebar, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, and Toxic Faith, by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, are sources for information on what manipulative church systems look like, as is this web site, by Ron Henzel.
One or more of these characteristics might be present in a healthy church, and sometimes differences between the legitimate characteristic and its manipulative counterpart is very subtle. For example, it may be difficult to tell the difference between legitimate, heart-felt, warm hospitality and the manipulative love-bombing technique (described below), that is used to evaluate potential new members and groom them for membership in a manipulative group.
The first piece of advice that I would give, then, is to listen to your gut feelings. If you read the accounts victims give of their experience or if you talk to people about what they went through, you will hear again and again that they were uncomfortable from time to time, that warning bells were going off, but they ignored them, or chalked them up to individual quirkiness. Everyone has their faults and quirks, after all. Yet, if you find yourself often pushing concerns aside, or censoring your own evaluations or opinions, or concealing things about yourself that might not be acceptable in this group, carefully consider whether or not you are responding to manipulation.
Here are some possible warning signs. I'd appreciate hearing from you if you can add to or expound upon these.
An Initiation Process
We all hope our churches warmly welcome newcomers, help them to meet new friends in the congregation, and help them become acquainted with the activities and programs from which they would most benefit and to which they could contribute. Many otherwise good churches fail in this regard, but when it is done well and with a sincere heart, it is of great benefit to the newcomers and to the body of Christ.
However, manipulative church systems typically have a warm, friendly welcome, too, but for other purposes. Those who research cults refer to this technique as love-bombing. Newcomers are enveloped in warm, flattering, over-loving welcome. It seems too good to be true, and it is. Let's look at some of the things we might pick up on as differences.
First, are introductions steered toward a small group of very faithful members or are they wide-ranging? For example, in a healthy church when someone hears of your interests or occupation, they may suggest you meet another person with similar interests. In a manipulative church, you might be encouraged to meet so-and-so, who, "is a very faithful member and can show you the ropes." Or, your social interactions may be monopolized by the pastor, the elders, or a select few members. Perhaps when you arrive at the church dinner, you are quickly whisked away and shown where to sit and with whom. Manipulators want to steer you away from unhappy or disgruntled members from whom you might hear complaints or negative information or who can't be trusted to give the party line. Try to circulate among as many members as you can.
In abusive churches, there may be many members who understand that they are not among the favored few. They may be struggling with shame or ostracization. They may know they are not trusted. These folks may feel intimidated not to show hospitality to newcomers whom they know are being groomed for membership. You might find yourself in conversation with one of these folks at some event, feel you made a real connection, and then be disappointed that they never show you further hospitality.
There may be a suggestion that your relationship with the pastor or someone else be one of discipleship--with the assumption that since you are the newcomer you are spiritually less mature and need to be discipled. This discipleship may turn out to be intrusive and controlling.
During the initiation phase into a manipulative group there is much flattery. You will be complimented on your sincere convictions, your intelligence, your character, etc. You may hear that you are just the sort of people this church needs more of. You may even hear that not everyone can join, but that you do qualify for this special group.
You will be sold on the uniqueness of this church. Healthy churches might point out their characteristics and vision in an effort to help you decide if this is the church that fits your convictions. Unhealthy churches will denigrate other churches and try to convince you that this is the only church that anyone should attend.
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